oh, the wonders of medical advancements..
medicine is like the iphone of life.
just as there’s an app for just about everything, you can bet your sweet ass there’s a drug for whatever minuscule ailment you have.
we live in a pill-popping world, folks.
and while i can understand the appeal of not wanting to feel feelings, i enjoy my crazy; i revel in my pain.
i also totally understand that some types of crazy and some types of pain are justifiably medicated.
but i feel like we, as a society, are so quick to want to cure ourselves that we don’t take the time to see what we’re subjecting ourselves to in the process.
take anti-depression medication, for instance.
here are the general side effects:
* Nausea
* Insomnia
* Anxiety
* Restlessness
* Decreased sex drive
* Dizziness
* Weight gain
* Tremors
* Sweating
* Sleepiness or fatigue
* Dry mouth
* Diarrhea
* Constipation
* Headaches
…i don’t know about you, but feeling sick and dizzy all the time, not wanting sex, getting fat, sweating profusely, being sleepy but not being able to sleep, and not having any normal bowel movements might make me a little depressed.
this is my favorite side effect: “anyone taking antidepressants should be closely watched for suicidal thoughts and behaviors.”
uh.. yeah? WTF, MATES?! i’m pretty sure if i was a chemist, and i created the “cure” for depression.. then found out my miracle drug caused suicidal thoughts and behaviors… yeah, i’m pretty sure i just fucking FAILED.
moving on… Alli. this is a weight-loss drug.
the side effects (which they dubbed “treatment effects”) include:
“gas with oily spotting”
“loose stools”
“more frequent stools that may be hard to control”
yeah.. i think it’s safe to say that, if your ass is leaking uncontrollably 90% of the day, you’re going to lose some fucking weight.
…i’m lazy as fuck, but i’m not that fucking lazy. i’ll do some fucking crunches and be done with it.
haha ok, so i found Propecia.
it’s “an inhibitor of the enzyme that converts testosterone to dihydrotestosterone” and ” is approved for the treatment of benign prostatic hyperplasia and male pattern baldness”. basically.. it’s a hair-loss drug.
this drug might have my favorite side effect: gynecomastia
in so many words… that means – you fucking grow milk-producing breasts.
i know, i know.. step in line, boys!!
there’s an anti-acne medication, which has side effects including (i swear, i am not making this up):
*crying spells
*rectal bleeding
*bone fractures
*hepatitis
*herpes
*hirsutism (way too much hair)
*psychosis
…thefuck? basically, you become teen wolf. acne-free teen wolf.
there’s a bacterial infection-fighting drug that causes phototoxicity (which means you burn – literally, 2nd degree burns – in sunlight).
hey, if you take this one with the acne meds, you can be team JACWARD!
there are so many others, out there.. medicine that causes you to eat in your sleep, amnesia, dementia, shrinking testicles, hallucinations, loss of senses (taste, smell, sight), “vomit that looks like coffee grounds”, and – my favorite – death.
it’s a scary world we live in, when we continuously try to make ourselves invincible.
i will say, however.. there is one drug i cannot WAIT to fucking take!
REQUIP.
this is a fairly new prescription drug to treat restless leg syndrome.
(don’t worry, all.. i’m a responsible drug user.. i actually DO suffer from RLS and it’s god-fucking-awful)
the side effects for this drug are: “an unusual urge to gamble” and “increased sexual urges and/or behaviors”.
so… basically.. you don’t have rls anymore and you become james bond. SOLD.
i appreciate medical advancements. i really do. without them, i’d have died during childbirth with my son or – if i miraculously survived that – my daughter would have died shortly after birth (i also would have been in a lot of pain during both of these fatal incidents).
i think we need to calm the fuck down, though. we don’t NEED a cure for everything that ails us, just like you don’t NEED grapes.
before i sign off.. i’d like to propose something.
i’m sure you all know, by now, i’m trying to help my dear friend dr. hoxter succeed in his kickstarter project to make a solo album.
here’s my proposal:
if he gets 10 backers by midnight, tonight (you can ‘donate’ as little as a dollar, and wont be charged if he doesn’t reach his goal), i will post another real, as-funny-as-i-can-possibly-be rant by 5pm tomorrow.
if he gets 5 backers by midnight, tonight, i’ll post said rant by monday.
and if he can get to 50% of his goal by christmas (it is christmas, after all, people.. spare a damn dollar)..
..i will post a video of myself, sitting on a birthday cake in a bikini.
(if he reaches his goal, i may post a longer video, and roll around in said birthday cake)
so.. be careful what you put in your mouth. and help somebody accomplish something amazing, this christmas. FUCK!
WTF, mates? 