a tattooed, bikini-clad woman, sitting on a birthday cake? WTF, MATES??

did that subject intrigue you?

i’m doing that. you can see it, if you donate at least $1, HERE.

anyway… i’d like to talk to you about something very important.

a subject that i feel very strongly about.

lindsay lohan.

i’m being totally sincere.

what…thefuck…happened to lindsay lohan?!?@!

once upon a time, there was an adorable, freckled, red-headed sweetheart.
she stole our hearts, playing twins in a remake of the parent trap. remember that?
remember adorable lindsay lohan with her adorable 11 year old british accent?

we were all like ‘what an adorable little freckly ginger! she’s going places!’

and then there was another little remake called freaky friday.
all of the sudden, we were like ‘damn, that adorable, freckly red-head is getting some curves!’
not to mention the fact that freaky friday (fuck you, if you don’t agree) was a great movie. it was funny, it makes me cry at the end, when jamie lee curtis gives that toast.. yeah. lindsay lohan’s future was looking bright and promising!

and then… mean girls.
first of all.. what a fucking great movie.
second of all… what a fucking hot lindsay lohan.
in my opinion (which you can pretty much just take as fact, anyway), this was ms. lohan’s peak. she looked fanfuckingtastic in mean girls.
and she acted well.

…now i really want to watch mean girls…

anyway… what the fuck happened, after mean girls, that threw lindsay into this awful downward spiral?

no, fuck it. she’s not spiraling downward.
she pretty much just plunged straight down.

all of the sudden, she’s doing the shittiest movies (did you SEE i know who killed me?? yeah.. i did. because it was lindsay lohan. i wasn’t aware, at the time, that the fall had already begun. WORST. FUCKING. MOVIE.)

and then… she starts looking like a 200 year old woman. all frail and bone-thin and i’m pretty sure i’ve seen a few age spots.

…i just had a revelation, in thinking about how to describe what lindsay lohan looks like now.

i think… i think lindsay lohan found the One Ring.
maybe she found it on the set of i know who killed me.
because she is not a hobbit, of course the power of the Ring destroyed her.
she slowly morphed into gollum.

lindsay lohan is gollum.
and as long as she holds onto her precious, we should be expecting her to lose all humanity, begin having arguments with herself, referring to herself in the third person, and – of course – eating fish straight out of the river.

poor lindsay.

seriously.. i’m not being a dick, i really loved her.
someone needs to call elijah wood, dominic monoghan and ian mckellen for an intervention.

and elijah, if you need some help.. i’ll help.

because one does not simply steal the Ring from lindsay gollumhan.

once we get it, and destroy it, i can have my curvy, sexy, talented lindsay back.

until then, lindsay.. YOU SHALL NOT ACT. FUCK!

cool/uncool… WTF, MATE??

you know what i can’t stand?

music snobs.

you know the type.

anything that has ever been played on any radio station is SOOOOO not cool enough for them.

they find the most random, obscure bands to listen to.. and i don’t even think they actually care if the music is good or not, they just like them because nobody else does. they’re just so fucking hip like that.

and they always have something to say about the bands you like, don’t they?

‘oh, they totally sold out’ ….shut the fuck up.

i love it when bands ‘sell out’ because they got popular. or because they got signed to a major record label. or because their songs start getting radio play.

sorry dude, but isn’t that the whole fucking point of it all?

nobody starts a band thinking, ‘i hope no one ever listens to this. i hope i’ll always play shows for the same 5 friends of mine for the rest of my musical life!’

it’s one thing, of course, to play music for the sole purpose of getting rich. but getting popular, ‘making it big’ as they say in the biz (they do say that in the biz, right?) is a GOOD THING.

get the fuck over yourself and be happy for your obscure band for finally having a fan base.

that pisses me off, too… the assholes that really really love a band, then stop listening to them and start talking shit when they get popular. they’re still the same fucking band! no one else is allowed to enjoy them, because you did first??

i don’t get it!!!!

loosen up your skinny jeans, polish your black-rimmed glasses, unbutton your flannel and CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

movie snobs are just as bad.

sure, i like your artsy-fartsy, noir bullshit sometimes.. but don’t fucking judge me for enjoying dirty dancing: havana nights!

diego luna is adorable, and it’s a fun movie. leave me alone!

you don’t always have to like the obscure to be cool. sometimes, a lot of people like cool things. and that’s okay.

everybody loves will smith, but that doesn’t make him any less cool!

everybody loved the beatles, and they just progressively got cooler and cooler.

and everybody loves raymond, too!

i’ll give you a little credit, snobs. there are some things that are popular that really are dumb as shit. examples:

dancing with the stars.

nutty professor movies.

ke$ha (i felt like a jack-ass just typing that stupid fucking dollar sign).

justin bieber.

capitalism.

but not EVERYTHING that is well-loved is bad or uncool. examples:

puppies.

ice cream.

christmas.

the color red.

…did i mention will smith?

arrogance is a big turn-off for me, in general. people who think they’re better than everyone else are usually the scum of the fucking earth (and, on occasion, the worst scum of the universe).
but people who think they’re cooler than everyone else REALLY annoy the fuck out of me.

first of all… who the fuck cares if you’re cool? are we still in fucking high school?
come to think of it, i didn’t care if i was cool when i was in high school, either so.. so yeah!

and second.. being uncool is cool, anyway.

jeans that are soft and worn out and a little baggy because they’ve been loved – cool.

skinny jeans that are so tight we can make out the outline of your dick – uncool.

jeans with ripped knees from years of wear-and-tear – cool.

jeans that you bought, pre-ripped – uncool.

female hair that looks better than mine – bitches.

male hair that looks better than mine – uncool.

my grandmother’s old sunglasses – cool.

old lady glasses that you paid $200 for – uncool.

promoting your favorite artists to help them get popular – cool.

calling someone a sell-out because they have more than 20 fans – uncool.

not eating meat because you don’t like eating meat – cool.

becoming vegan because this bitch you want to fuck is – uncool.

being vegan, and having omnivorous friends – cool.

being vegan, and preaching about the horrors of meat while i’m trying to enjoy a hamburger – uncool.

sitting on a birthday cake in a bikini – cool.

flashing your boobs for beads – uncool.

donating a dollar (or more!! :D) to an awesome and talented guy – very, very cool.

not donating anything – extremely uncool.

i mean.. i really really, REALLY want to sit on a birthday cake in a bikini. i’ll probably still do it, regardless.. but i’d love to record it and share it with the world.

and more so – being most sincere and serious – i want to help my bestie do this very awesome thing. so i’m not going to shut up about it for the next 20 days or so.

and i’m sure you know, by now, how obnoxious i can get.

so if you want to keep me from getting ridiculously, wanting to strangle me, pulling out your hair obnoxious… just pledge a dollar. share the link with your friends. share it with strangers. spam popular pages with it on facebook. you get the idea.

and if you do any of that, you will forever be cool as FUCK!

Anal leakage?? Sign me up! WTF, MATES??

oh, the wonders of medical advancements..

medicine is like the iphone of life.
just as there’s an app for just about everything, you can bet your sweet ass there’s a drug for whatever minuscule ailment you have.

we live in a pill-popping world, folks.
and while i can understand the appeal of not wanting to feel feelings, i enjoy my crazy; i revel in my pain.

i also totally understand that some types of crazy and some types of pain are justifiably medicated.

but i feel like we, as a society, are so quick to want to cure ourselves that we don’t take the time to see what we’re subjecting ourselves to in the process.

take anti-depression medication, for instance.
here are the general side effects:
* Nausea
* Insomnia
* Anxiety
* Restlessness
* Decreased sex drive
* Dizziness
* Weight gain
* Tremors
* Sweating
* Sleepiness or fatigue
* Dry mouth
* Diarrhea
* Constipation
* Headaches

…i don’t know about you, but feeling sick and dizzy all the time, not wanting sex, getting fat, sweating profusely, being sleepy but not being able to sleep, and not having any normal bowel movements might make me a little depressed.

this is my favorite side effect: “anyone taking antidepressants should be closely watched for suicidal thoughts and behaviors.”

uh.. yeah? WTF, MATES?! i’m pretty sure if i was a chemist, and i created the “cure” for depression.. then found out my miracle drug caused suicidal thoughts and behaviors… yeah, i’m pretty sure i just fucking FAILED.

moving on… Alli. this is a weight-loss drug.
the side effects (which they dubbed “treatment effects”) include:
“gas with oily spotting”
“loose stools”
“more frequent stools that may be hard to control”

yeah.. i think it’s safe to say that, if your ass is leaking uncontrollably 90% of the day, you’re going to lose some fucking weight.
…i’m lazy as fuck, but i’m not that fucking lazy. i’ll do some fucking crunches and be done with it.

haha ok, so i found Propecia.
it’s “an inhibitor of the enzyme that converts testosterone to dihydrotestosterone” and ” is approved for the treatment of benign prostatic hyperplasia and male pattern baldness”. basically.. it’s a hair-loss drug.

this drug might have my favorite side effect: gynecomastia
in so many words… that means – you fucking grow milk-producing breasts.
i know, i know.. step in line, boys!!

there’s an anti-acne medication, which has side effects including (i swear, i am not making this up):
*crying spells
*rectal bleeding
*bone fractures
*hepatitis
*herpes
*hirsutism (way too much hair)
*psychosis

…thefuck? basically, you become teen wolf. acne-free teen wolf.

there’s a bacterial infection-fighting drug that causes phototoxicity (which means you burn – literally, 2nd degree burns – in sunlight).

hey, if you take this one with the acne meds, you can be team JACWARD!

there are so many others, out there.. medicine that causes you to eat in your sleep, amnesia, dementia, shrinking testicles, hallucinations, loss of senses (taste, smell, sight), “vomit that looks like coffee grounds”, and – my favorite – death.

it’s a scary world we live in, when we continuously try to make ourselves invincible.

i will say, however.. there is one drug i cannot WAIT to fucking take!

REQUIP.
this is a fairly new prescription drug to treat restless leg syndrome.
(don’t worry, all.. i’m a responsible drug user.. i actually DO suffer from RLS and it’s god-fucking-awful)

the side effects for this drug are: “an unusual urge to gamble” and “increased sexual urges and/or behaviors”.

so… basically.. you don’t have rls anymore and you become james bond. SOLD.

i appreciate medical advancements. i really do. without them, i’d have died during childbirth with my son or – if i miraculously survived that – my daughter would have died shortly after birth (i also would have been in a lot of pain during both of these fatal incidents).

i think we need to calm the fuck down, though. we don’t NEED a cure for everything that ails us, just like you don’t NEED grapes.

before i sign off.. i’d like to propose something.

i’m sure you all know, by now, i’m trying to help my dear friend dr. hoxter succeed in his kickstarter project to make a solo album.

here’s my proposal:
if he gets 10 backers by midnight, tonight (you can ‘donate’ as little as a dollar, and wont be charged if he doesn’t reach his goal), i will post another real, as-funny-as-i-can-possibly-be rant by 5pm tomorrow.

if he gets 5 backers by midnight, tonight, i’ll post said rant by monday.

and if he can get to 50% of his goal by christmas (it is christmas, after all, people.. spare a damn dollar)..

..i will post a video of myself, sitting on a birthday cake in a bikini.
(if he reaches his goal, i may post a longer video, and roll around in said birthday cake)

so.. be careful what you put in your mouth. and help somebody accomplish something amazing, this christmas. FUCK!